Monday, March 15, 2010

Ever Think You Were Born In The Right Time?


A little while ago, I was shooting my mouth off about how much the nineteen fifties blew infected dangly bits if you happened to be a delicate female lady woman (and doubly so if you happened to be Barbara.)

Another young woman, with Bettie Page bangs and fashionably pin-up cherry prints on her pencil-line skirt, took issue with my blanket statements by making a few of her own along the lines of "The Fifties were Awesome," "Feminism Is A Cabal of Monstrous Man-crushing Bull-Dyke Trolls With Fangs In Their Cunts." and If You Don't Feel Oppressed Then You Obviously Aren't."

While I agree that it is extremely ineffectual (and irritating) to examine life, the universe and everything through Victim Goggles, I respectfully beg to differ on the above points by way of presenting Exhibit A:


LYSOL. LYSOL IN YOUR CUNT. HOLY JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH YOUR CUUUUUUUUUUNT!

Did you read that thing? Pay attention to the words: Appealing daintiness is assured, be­cause the very source of objectionable odors is eliminated.

"THE VERY SOURCE" BEING THE VAG THAT YOU BURNED OUT WITH CAUSTIC CHEMICALS.
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHH!


I have never been so happy to be an 80's baby.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Literary Weight Training


O Hai! Yesterday I was fortunate to stumble across a fantastic site that will be of interest to writers and artists.

750 Words has a mission to get you writing every day and to make it fun. The webmaster explains:

I've long been inspired by an idea I first learned about in The Artist's Way called morning pages. Morning pages are three pages of writing done every day, typically done in the morning, that can be about anything and everything that comes into your head. It's about getting it all out of your head, and is not supposed to be edited or censored in any way. The idea is that if you can get in the habit of writing three pages a day, that it will help clear your mind and get the ideas flowing for the rest of the day. Unlike many of the other exercises in that book, I found that this one actually worked and was really really useful.

I've used the exercise as a great way to think out loud without having to worry about half-formed ideas, random tangents, private stuff, and all the other things in our heads that we often filter out before ever voicing them or writing about them. It's a daily brain dump. Over time, I've found that it's also very helpful as a tool to get thoughts going that have become stuck, or to help get to the bottom of a rotten mood.


So how does it work? Basically, you can sign it using your Facebook, Google or Yahoo account (don't worry; what you write is kept private!) and just write anything at all that comes into your head. when you finish, you get stats about things like your mood, what you were thinking about as you wrote (the webmaster says to take it with a grain of salt) how many breaks you take, how fast you type, and a scorecard that depends on how many days you've kept your streak going.

Unlike LJ or blogger, you're not writing for an audience, and since no one's going to see it except you, there is a tremendous freedom that comes with letting all the words and ideas flow.

This is especially significant to my fellow aspiring aspiring authors; the more we write, the easier it becomes to sit down and pound out a chapter before lunch. I'm hoping to use this site to work up to my first novel, and while this is day 2 and I have only 1500 or so words under my belt, I am super psyched and feeling ridiculously stimulated. Getting into the habit is going to make it easier to write on those mornings when you sit down in front of Word, see a blank page and get an overpowering urge to projectile vomit Linda-Blair-in-the-exorcist style all over the keyboard.


The Webmaster is talking about possibly making 750 Words a paysite in the future, so join now or be awesome and donate!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

A Seussical Commentary On My Roommate's Cats

Turning Cat piss into Lemonade, in a stylistic tribute to the dude himself:


One cat.


Two cats.


Three Cats.


SCREW CATS.



See this creature? This cat Purdy?
She is filthy.
She is dirty.
She will not shit where she ought.
She will not use a chamber pot.
or go in box like she's been taught.

In fact-
(Excuse my lack of tact)
Where this cat shat would make you yak!

She shits on chairs
She shits on beds
She shits on sheets
and soft bedspreads

She shits in halls, and closets too!
There is no place she will not poo!

Her favorite spot leaves me so sour
Why must she shit in the shower!?
In the shower?
The tub?
The bath?
Purdy you're a nasty cat!

Why not use the porcelain chair?
The one next to the bath, right there?


And now that I am on a rant,
Gaze upon my hairy pants!



My clothes- all coated with their fur.
I just washed them.
They just purr.



And this cat, Tabs, alias "Pisser":
I'd like to smack her in the kisser
(also, she's the pooper's sister).


Can you guess from her nickname
The little quirk that makes her lame?

Yes, that's right, she likes to pee.
I swear she does it to be mean.
If you move her from a chair
she will violate your lair
She'll piss right where you sleep at night
Tell me that's not outright spite!
And let me tell you, I insist-
There's nothing grosser than cat piss!

Maybe there are decent cats
But these three jerks are dirty rats
who act like they are hooked on meth
So I'm not going to hold my breath.